Envy's Random Day of Evil
by cherryblossomedheart
Summary: Funny story about Envy trying to be evil. He meets up with most of the main characters... like the title says... it's really random... with mention of edxwin edxenvy edxroy and elricest, and cherios?


**Envy's Random Day Of Evil**

**A Oneshot**

**(A/N) Hey there, this is my first oneshot, I'm writing it because despite Envy's evilness he's really cute (in a 'lets kill things' way) and because he's the best character to make fun of. Anyways, enjoy this fic, it's pretty sweet.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned FMA but all I own are dreams... (cries)**

_8:00 –Dante's Evil Lair_

Envy rises.

"I need cereal," speaks Envy. "I want Cherios."

Lust rises.

"Gluttony ate the last bit of Cherios."

Envy gasps.

"WHAT!?"

_8:30–Risembool Coffee Shop_

"I need coffee," Envy enters shop. Envy's eyes widen. "Elric?"

Ed turns around in his coffee shop hat and apron. "Envy?"

Awkward silence.

"So... you work at a coffee shop...?"

"Yep..." Ed scratches the back of his head. "Are you going to order something?"

"I'm too surprised... aren't you a navy seal or something?"

"You mean a military dog?"

"Yes that... why are you working in a coffee shop?"

"Extra dough."

"For..."

"To get my brother's body back..."

"Isn't that what the philosopher's stone for?"

"About that..." Ed stalls. "We're just going to get Al a replacement body surgery..."

"Oh I see..."

"Yeah..."

"Well I've gotta' go wash my–my socks... yes my socks..."

"You don't wear socks..."

"Yes but this conversation is awkward... us being nemesis' and all..."

"Yeah..."

"Alright then are we still on for our random battle at 3..."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Okay bye."

"Yeah later."

Envy leaves.

_10:00--Central Park_

Envy watches the pigeons and sighs. "Ugh! There's nothing to do!"

Roy sits next to Envy. "Yo."

Envy groans. "It's the Flame Alchemist, oh Joy!"

Roy smiles. "Turn that frown upside down, what's wrong Mr. Humunculi sir?"

"It's Envy!" Envy growls. "Today was supposed to be my random day of Evil"

"What kind of evil?"

"I don't know, the random kind."

"Well–it may not be evil, but I have something in mind..." Roy rises and raises is fist. "We shall go entertain the ladies!"

"Entertain ladies?"

"Yes, let's go!" Roy drags Envy by his collar, nearly chocking him.

_10:30–Central Shopping District_

"There, there! Look Envy," Envy looks at a group of girls, giggling away. "Watch then do the same!" Roy walks up to a girl. He straightens out his uniform. "I'm placing you under arrest ma'am!"

The girl gasps. "What for?"

"For stealing my heart!" he gazes at her lovingly. She giggles and blushes.

Envy walks up to another girl. "Did it hurt?"

The girl looks at him, confused. "Did what hurt?"

"When you fell from heaven?" he smiled, his normal evil smile.

She blushes and looks at Envy awkwardly. "I'm sorry, I'm not into that."

Envy doesn't know what she's talking about. "Into what?"

"Girls."

Envy explodes. "I'M NOT A GIRL!!!"

"You're not...?"

"NO!!!"

"I'm so sorry, it's just you have long pretty hair, a belly top, a girly voice... I mean I'm really sorry I didn't mean anything by it..." she rambles.

Envy stomps off, Roy starts laughing. "Haha she thought you were a girl Envy!"

Riza comes in. She points the gun at Roy. "Sir you have paper work!"

"Yes ma'am."

_12:00–Café au Central_

Envy sighs once more as he takes a sip of his extra mocha latté and nibbles on a croissant. Large footsteps are heard and Envy doesn't even turn around. "I see you got a job too Alphonse."

"It pays the bills."

"And your replacement body surgery?"

"Yep," Al sits near Envy. "Why do you look so upset Envy."

"My random day of evil sucks, I haven't been the least bit evil...or random for that matter!" he pulls out a few papers. "And to make matters worse, someone wrote a fanfic about me and your brother... my enemy... my sworn enemy... my mortal sworn enemy!"

Al looks oddly at the paper. "Lemme' see," Al begins reading. "And then Envy pulled Ed forward..." reads in head "Ed moaned..." reads in head. "Then the juicy liquid—" If Al's eyes could widen... they just did. "ARGH!! IT BURNS MY LIGHT FOR EYES!"

Envy looked at him bored. "See what I have to put up with?"

Al stopped jumping around trying to untraumatize himself. "I have to go through worse!" Al opened his inside and pulled out one of several fanfictions he had stored away.

Envy grabbed the fanfiction...read it quickly and widened his eyes. "Elricest?" Al nodded, Envy shivered. "That's just wrong!"

Roy randomly popped out of nowhere. "Oh yeah!" he slammed a story down on the café table. "Read and weep, I'm the most wrote about pairing of Ed besides Winry!"

Envy and Al read the story... and almost died. "Is that physically possible?" asked Al.

"I don't want to know!" said Envy, banging his head off the café table.

Roy sat victoriously. "Yep, a lot of really sick girls out there... I'm always the alpha-male though... yes Ed's my bitch!"

Ed walked by the three men talking about him, slurping his smoothie. Unknowingly they continued their conversation.

"In Elricest... I'm the bitch!" sobbed Al.

"I don't really know who's the bitch in EdxEnvy, it kinda' goes back and forth–" Envy just noticed Ed... staring at them all... mouth agape, smoothie dropped to the ground.

"Sickos!" screamed Ed as he ran away.

Roy laughed and walked away, repeating. "Yes, he's my bitch."

Al runs after Ed. "Brother... no you don't understand!"

Then Envy was alone again. He sighed. "Stupid fangirls!"

_2:30 pm– Central's Automail Shop._

Envy peered on the list of randomly evil things to do. One of which wasn't quite random or evil... he had to go get some automail supplies for Wrath... Then he had to go have a random battle with Ed. That would be awkward though...

Envy stepped into the shop and met the sparkling blue eyes of Winry. "It's pipsqueak's girlfriend!" pointed Envy.

Winry smiled bitterly. "Actually no! Not until the end of the manga and never ever in the anime series!"

Envy felt like ranting. "Yeah! Doesn't that suck! I DIE IN THE MOVIE!"

"Roy killed my parents in the anime... and Scar killed my parents in the manga! I'M SO CONFUSED!" cried Winry.

"Yeah! I mean, am I Ed's brother or not!" he held his face, eyes cracking insanity. "Then there's the whole... 'Where the Hell did Dante, Sloth, and Wrath come from?'"

"Why is Alphonse TEN when we find him!?"

"Why does the other world Edward look exactly like him... but Alfonse Heidrich has blue eyes and bleach blonde hair!?"

"Why does Roze have story relevance?"

"Hey! I feel better!" said Envy cheerfully.

Winry smiled. "Isn't it nice to get it off your chest?"

"Yeah, it does." said Envy skipping joyfully.

"Can I help you with anything then?" she asked.

Envy thought a moment... "Nope I got some of my spirit of evilness back...bye Winry, I'll see you at the random battle at 3?"

Winry nodded. "Yep, so see ya' later."

_3:00–Random Battle... in Central Park_

"Fullmetal pipsqueak! How have you been?" asked Envy, approaching him menacingly.

Ed shook off a tense thought. "I've been fine, nothing a few years of therapy can't fix."

Envy kicked Ed in the stomach, Ed punched him several times, soon transmuting his automail. "It's the same thing over and over," said Envy as he stopped.

Ed looked at him oddly. "What do you mean?"

Envy rolled his eyes. "I mean, I call you fullmetal pipsqueak, you flinch at the name, I kick you, you punch me... in the end you win I loose, your brother get's his body back and I DIE IN THE MOVIE!"

Ed was taken aback. "Woah, wait WHAT!?" he inched towards Envy. "Envy have you gone Emo?"

"The world's amiss! I'm going HOME!" said Envy as he stormed off, crying.

Winry, who had brought her giant foam finger that said 'FULLMETAL' on it, sighed. "The one time I get to see a random battle when I'm not tied up in 'Berry's Butcher Shop' and Envy leaves crying!" she through her wrench at Ed's head. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

_3:30–Dante's Evil Lair_

Lust and Gluttony are sitting at the kitchen table, playing cards. Envy comes in, saddened.

"You know," says Lust all-knowingly. "I die in the manga and in the anime series."

"So? That's not why I'm sad!" answered Envy with a stubborn huff.

Lust didn't look up from her cards. "Someone thought you were a girl. You had an EdxEnvy fanfiction written about you. You then realized that since you're the bad guy, you die in the movie. Then FINALLY realize that you'll never win against Ed in a random battle."

"I'm going to bed!"

"Then what am I going to do with these?" asked Lust as she lifted a box of Cherios.

"For me?!" asked Envy over-the-top.

"Yes for you, want a bowl?"

Envy's face went from a severely depressed emo blood frown to cute as a cat smirk. "Yay CHERIOS!"

Then Envy lived happily ever after... eating cherios.

**(A./N) It's not as random as I thought it would be, but I think it's fine. I like this story... haha. I hope you all review, I'm gonna' be writing other oneshots and a silly parody called "I Wanna' Be** **an Alchemist!" so stay tuned... I love FMA!!!**

**CherryBlossomedHeart**

**PS. REVIEW!!! It makes me feel cool :)**


End file.
